Why don’t you love me?

Why don’t you love me?
I’m kind.
I’m sweet.
I’m considerate.
I would do anything for you.

Why don’t you see me?
I could make you happy…
I promise.

Why won’t you have me?
Is it because I give myself so freely to you?
I’m sorry, I don’t know how to be coy.
It’s never been in my nature.

I wonder what you see when you look at me,
Am I a little girl lost or a woman coming into in her own?

I know I can’t make you love me,
Is it delusional that I still want to try?

Why won’t you take me as I am?
I know I said I was broken but I’m really trying to piece myself together again.
My efforts should be worth something, surely?

When I look at you,
I see everything I could be,
but I also see everything I’m not,
Everything I wish I was.

How do you make me feel so good and yet so insecure at the same time?

I can’t keep waiting around for someone else to validate me,
so that I forget you’re the one I really want.
I can’t wait around for someone to tell me how special and beautiful I am,
so that I forget that you don’t even acknowledge me.

So again I ask,
staring at my reflection in the mirror,
“Why don’t you love me?”

Sometimes I Crawl

Sometimes I crawl.
Sometimes I walk.
Sometimes I run.
Sometimes I fly.

And sometimes,
every once in a while,
I soar.

And when I cannot soar,
I fly.
And when I cannot fly,
I run.
And when I cannot run,
I walk.
And when I cannot walk,
I crawl.

And when I cannot crawl…

When I cannot crawl…

I lay still.

Hope dissipated,
Darkness anticipated.

But slowly,
ever so slowly,
I remember that I once soared.

And if I am able to soar,
then I am able to fly.
And if I am able to fly,
then I am able to run.
And if I am able to run,
then I am able to walk.
And if I am able to walk,
then I am able to crawl.

So sometimes,
This time,
I crawl.

Floating

I am floating
It’s dark and there is no air
I cannot feel or hear myself breathe
Am I still alive?

I am floating
I have no anchor, no tether, nothing to hold me

I am floating
Is it cold?
I don’t know
I can’t feel my skin

I am floating
I am alone
It’s quiet, but the sound of my loneliness is deafening

I am floating
I stare into the abyss
Who am I?
Why am I here?

I am floating

No.

I am drowning.

Can I Move In?

I need a resting place.

A place to call home.

A place where I can lay my head after a tough day.

A place that is warm and comfortable.

Can I move in?

I’ve been roaming for a long time now, sometimes squatting, sometimes renting, but nowhere ever feels like home.
I see people with mortgages and think something must be wrong with me.
I mean yes, I have a terrible credit history but surely no one is irredeemable?

You already live rent free in my mind.
I’m naïve that way.
Letting people come and go as they please.
It’s an absolute mess in here, sometimes I don’t even have time to clean up before someone comes knocking again with all their baggage and belongings, as if my backyard isn’t already looking like a landfill.

Don’t get me wrong, I’ve had people ask me to move in before.
But they promise mansions and give me a studio.
They have me sharing a room with 3 other people or they leave the place unfurnished. I don’t complain though, cos I would rather sleep on the floor than be out in the cold.

But I’m tired of sleeping on the floor.
I’ve never had a proper home before, so I’m not sure what it’s supposed to look like.

I realise now that being comfortable is the bare minimum. I’ve been in some terrible places and always stayed because I thought, “well at least I’m comfortable.”

But no, I want a bed, a king size bed with Egyptian cotton. And I want a 55 inch TV and double glazed windows. I want eco-friendly lights and maybe a conservatory.

I need a resting place.

A place to call home.

A place where I can lay my head after a tough day.

A place that is warm and comfortable.

Can I have a look around?

HeartBreak Hotel

Welcome to the Heartbreak Hotel.

Check in is whenever, stay as long as you need to.

I see you have a lot of baggage… apologies, you’re going to have to carry all that by yourself.

Would you like to know about our facilities?

We have a lovely garden you can take a walk in, filled with beautiful flowers, they’re very nice to look at but if you look closer, you’ll see they’re rotting from the inside, just like the promises your lover made you.

We have a state-of-the-art movie room. Today’s screening is… memories from your relationship and moments you thought you would be happy forever.

Or you may prefer our Gaming room, where you can immerse yourself in virtual reality and have unlimited chances to relive scenarios where you’d wish you’d done things differently.

We have a wonderful spa, you can relax while a masseuse caresses you just the way your lover used to.

Or try our sensory deprivation tanks; they mimic the numbness and emptiness you feel when you think about the future you could have had.

Our pool boasts a magnificent view, you can swim, float or drown yourself in your tears.

Our steam room is hotter than the hell you wish your lover and their new partner would burn in.

You can build your self-esteem back up in our impressive gym room, or put the pieces of your heart back together in our arts & crafts room.
Our weekly pottery classes let’s you try to mold yourself into somebody you think is worthy of love.

Indulge in our 7 course meal prepared by world renowned chef, Také A. Way. Your lover may have abandoned you, but food will always be here for you.

Gamble away your self-worth in our magnificent casino, let’s face it, it wasn’t a lot to begin with.

Here’s your room,
with a view of a barren wasteland, just as you requested.
Please do hesitate to contact me if you require any assistance, you should get used to being alone.