Can I Move In?

I need a resting place.

A place to call home.

A place where I can lay my head after a tough day.

A place that is warm and comfortable.

Can I move in?

I’ve been roaming for a long time now, sometimes squatting, sometimes renting, but nowhere ever feels like home.
I see people with mortgages and think something must be wrong with me.
I mean yes, I have a terrible credit history but surely no one is irredeemable?

You already live rent free in my mind.
I’m naïve that way.
Letting people come and go as they please.
It’s an absolute mess in here, sometimes I don’t even have time to clean up before someone comes knocking again with all their baggage and belongings, as if my backyard isn’t already looking like a landfill.

Don’t get me wrong, I’ve had people ask me to move in before.
But they promise mansions and give me a studio.
They have me sharing a room with 3 other people or they leave the place unfurnished. I don’t complain though, cos I would rather sleep on the floor than be out in the cold.

But I’m tired of sleeping on the floor.
I’ve never had a proper home before, so I’m not sure what it’s supposed to look like.

I realise now that being comfortable is the bare minimum. I’ve been in some terrible places and always stayed because I thought, “well at least I’m comfortable.”

But no, I want a bed, a king size bed with Egyptian cotton. And I want a 55 inch TV and double glazed windows. I want eco-friendly lights and maybe a conservatory.

I need a resting place.

A place to call home.

A place where I can lay my head after a tough day.

A place that is warm and comfortable.

Can I have a look around?

HeartBreak Hotel

Welcome to the Heartbreak Hotel.

Check in is whenever, stay as long as you need to.

I see you have a lot of baggage… apologies, you’re going to have to carry all that by yourself.

Would you like to know about our facilities?

We have a lovely garden you can take a walk in, filled with beautiful flowers, they’re very nice to look at but if you look closer, you’ll see they’re rotting from the inside, just like the promises your lover made you.

We have a state-of-the-art movie room. Today’s screening is… memories from your relationship and moments you thought you would be happy forever.

Or you may prefer our Gaming room, where you can immerse yourself in virtual reality and have unlimited chances to relive scenarios where you’d wish you’d done things differently.

We have a wonderful spa, you can relax while a masseuse caresses you just the way your lover used to.

Or try our sensory deprivation tanks; they mimic the numbness and emptiness you feel when you think about the future you could have had.

Our pool boasts a magnificent view, you can swim, float or drown yourself in your tears.

Our steam room is hotter than the hell you wish your lover and their new partner would burn in.

You can build your self-esteem back up in our impressive gym room, or put the pieces of your heart back together in our arts & crafts room.
Our weekly pottery classes let’s you try to mold yourself into somebody you think is worthy of love.

Indulge in our 7 course meal prepared by world renowned chef, Také A. Way. Your lover may have abandoned you, but food will always be here for you.

Gamble away your self-worth in our magnificent casino, let’s face it, it wasn’t a lot to begin with.

Here’s your room,
with a view of a barren wasteland, just as you requested.
Please do hesitate to contact me if you require any assistance, you should get used to being alone.

The Follower

In The Dictator, I talked about the brain and it’s autocratic ways, now let’s talk about another organ and it’s annoying ways.

“What have you been up to today?” A friend asks. And I find myself telling her how I didn’t achieve anything today, why? Because I couldn’t sleep and stayed up till 6:30am watching a Korean drama I was obsessed with.
I won’t bore you with details but basically, there’s a love hexagon going on to rival ‘A Midsummer Night’s Dream’, someone loves this person whose in love with this other person even though they’re actually perfect for this other person… it’s an entertaining and emotional mess.

So, I find myself, 5am in the morning, wrapped up in a blanket, tissue in hand, genuinely moved to tears at these people who were slaves to their hearts- don’t laugh, we all have our guilty pleasure, I won’t judge you if you extend me the same courtesy.

Anyway, my friend is laughing at my hot mess of a day whilst she tells me she can’t remember how many times she’s watched the same Snapchat story because the guy she has feelings for was in it, I tell her I’ve been having the weirdest bizarre dreams about the guy I have feelings for and we laugh at each other’s pathetic existence… as friends do.

This got me thinking however, if we think about how powerful the brain is, with all it’s complications and unknowns, there might be another that can bring the brain to submission- the heart… right?

Wrong!

Why do people say that?
You know… ‘the heart wants what it wants’, or
‘my heart beats for you’ or
‘you have the key to my heart’, when the only thing the heart is responsible for is pumping blood around your body.
Why do we say our heart is broken when if that was the case, we would be dead?

So then do we have a mental heart?
That would make sense; the centre of our mental hub, the thing that keeps everything running smoothly like clockwork… But, isn’t that just the brain?

I tried to Google the difference between feelings and emotions and it made my head hurt.

At first I thought feelings and emotions were the same thing. Emotions are biochemical and out of our control so it’d make sense if feelings were the same. That would explain why you get into a situation where you have feelings for someone against your own will (I’m sure a lot of us have experienced this) or when you’re in love with someone you’d rather not be in love with.

What I could gather from all the information thrown at me is that emotions and feelings are two sides of the same coin. Emotions are common to everyone while feelings are our personal associations to emotions, influenced by individual experience and personality.
For example, 3 people feel angry, 1 person lashes out, throws things, screams and punches the wall, another slumps the ground and cries while the last person sits quietly and plots their revenge; they all experience anger, but they feel anger and react to it differently.

Emotions trigger feelings and feelings trigger emotions, and thus; the neverending cycle.

So if all this happens in the brain, where the hell did the heart come into it?
My best guess is that someone simply noticed the way the heart responds to emotion and decided it would be the poster child for feelings.
When you’re scared or stressed, your pulse races, this is because there is an influx of adrenaline in your system. So when you see someone you’re attracted to, your stress level goes up and so does your heart rate, hence ‘the heart wants what it wants’.

But why are we unable to control who we like? Why is it that a person could be an emotionally stunted goat, but still invade your every thought?

I have a theory.

I think our brain remembers feelings but has no regard for situations and circumstances.
For example, you meet someone, they make you smile, they make you laugh, they make you feel like the most important person in the world, when you’re with them you don’t think about your problems, at the same time you can let yourself be vulnerable with them, there’s trust, there’s attachment, there’s attraction, except… they have a partner,
or
they’re in love with someone else, or
they’re emotionally unavailable,
or
they don’t feel the same way about you
or
you’ve already tried being in a relationship and it didn’t work…
So many different scenarios as to why you’re better off looking elsewhere, but your brain doesn’t seem to want to understand that, it’s like-

Brain: Mate, we love this person.

You: No we don’t, we can’t because *insert reason*

Brain: But remember how they made you feel

You: Yes I know, but this isn’t gonna work, we’ll have to find someone else to feel that with

Brain: But why??? We have someone right now, that someone else may not exist, this could be our only chance!

You: Well then we’ll just have to die alone!

Brain: But we don’t have to! Look how they make us feel! All the endorphins, the emotions, look at the way Heart behaves everytime you’re around them, how can you deny us this happiness?

Heart: Yes, I’m very sad right now.

You: Can you stop! Both of you! I’m trying to focus on other things, let this one go.

Brain: ….

Heart: …. So very sad…

You: Shut up!

Brain: …

Heart: …

You: Finally!

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

Brain: … but remember the way their hair smells?

You: Oh my God!

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So it seems the heart has teamed up with the brain in it’s unrelenting torture of us.
We are a slave to our heart and our heart is a slave to our brain.

So next time you find yourself cyber stalking someone against your better judgement, or watching their Snapchat stories over and over again, or resisting the urge to text them every minute, don’t worry. It’s not your fault… the brain wants what it wants.